


Becoming Neil Josten

by ZinnyThomas



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, but maybe they have the time to do it, healing takes a long time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 17:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14898930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZinnyThomas/pseuds/ZinnyThomas
Summary: Neil had thought he would die as Nathaniel back in Baltimore, and even after death had been avoided, he thought he would be cast aside by the Foxes, thought they’d be disgusted by the empty shell he was, the lie of Neil Josten—he’d be alone again. But they hadn’t left: you are a Fox, you aren’t going anywhere. The lie was over, truth would be harder to find. But Neil had a family now, a home, Andrew. He was ready to find out who Neil Josten was: this is the moment you stop being the rabbit.





	1. After the Game

It was only when his family was situated on the bus and Edgar Allen was fading in the distance behind them that Neil Josten could finally breathe. He sat with Andrew at the back and surprisingly—or maybe not so surprisingly, anymore—the rest of the team had joined them. Andrew and Neil were in the last two seats of one row and the Foxes grouped around them as if it was natural; Dan drifting off against Matt’s shoulder, his arm wrapped around her and an affectionate look on his face, Nicky had fallen asleep, his head bent at an uncomfortable looking angle and resting against Aaron (who remembered to look pissed off by their positioning when anyone looked his way but made no move to jostle his sleeping cousin), Renee sat with Allison, sharp eyes at odds with the exhausted slump of her small frame against the seat, vigilantly guarding her friends.

Kevin was alone just in front of Neil, his sense of victory completely eclipsed by his inexplicable grief. Neil had considered not saying anything about Riko’s death and Tetsuji’s resignation, the solidification of the deal he’s struck with Lord Moriyama—but there had been enough secrets between the Foxes, and Kevin deserved to know before the story broke. Everyone might have reacted differently if not for the obvious and damaging effect the news instantly had on Kevin. Aaron and the upperclassman (excluding Renee) kept scathing comments to themselves, Nicky seemed conflicted about his feelings and fidgeted, stifling the urge to physically comfort that would doubtlessly end badly.

Andrew didn’t react at all, his gaze blank as he appraised Neil, but his irritation at the dangerous situation Neil had found his way into was evident in the way he briskly checked Neil for injuries, the almost affected growl of “102% Josten.” Neil just smiled and tipped their heads together.

\---

It wasn’t till the next evening that anyone had the energy to celebrate. A solid twelve hours of sleep back in the safety of the Tower had done everyone well; by the time the sun was setting all the Foxes were stuffed into Abby’s house, most everyone arguing and laughing as they piled paper plates with food and started to work their way through the sizable collection of alcoholic beverages.

Last night’s match was up on the living room TV and Kevin, to no one’s surprise, was camped out on the couch watching it. Neil would have joined him but Wymack beat him to it, sitting just out of reach but offering silent support. Neil watched them for a second, wondering how their relationship would change now that the storm had passed, wondering if Wymack resented having the truth kept from him but mostly wondering how it felt to have a father who considered you a son instead of a nuisance, a tool, _such disappointment Junior_.

“Jealous?” A bored voice sounded behind him. Neil turned away from Kevin and Wymack and faced the impassive blonde, black-clad arms crossed and leaning against the wall.

“Relieved.” Neil responded, swaying closer into Andrew’s orbit but not touching him, smiling as the other huffed in annoyance, breath sweet with alcohol but eyes sharp— _I know my limits_.

Nicky came to infiltrate their comfortable silence moments later, trying to push a drink into Neil’s hands.

“Come on Neil we just won the championships!” He whined, bumping the cup against Neil’s arm enough that it almost sloshed onto his arm band.

“If that isn’t something to celebrate I don’t know what is!”

Neil regarded the cup warily before accepting it—more for fear of it spilling than anything else. Alcohol still tasted like his past, to numb pain and sterilize wounds, but Andrew was a grounding presence behind him, and his family was all around him, and Neil thought now might be as good a time as any to work on rewriting his triggers with happy memories.

Nicky cheered as he took his first sip, Allison raised her glass in his direction with amusement, and Andrew had slipped into the kitchen to mix them new drinks, his low opinion of Nicky’s bartending abilities evident in the disgusting look he gave it after stealing a sip. Nicky pouted as his concoction was confiscated, but his annoyance was forgotten when Erik came in through the front door. Dan’s sisters had left the night of the match with tearful goodbyes and middle fingers raised at Edgar Allen, but Erik had come back with them and Katelyn had joined them as soon as the Foxes’ bus pulled up to the school.

As the night wore on Kevin drank enough to think more about their impossible victory than the team they had beaten, he was drunkenly explaining Exy rules to Erik. Aaron was tangled with Katelyn on the couch and arguing about plays with Matt. Dan, Renee and Allison were perched on a single arm chair together and talking amongst themselves. Nicky was in the kitchen with Abby, and Andrew wasn’t in the room at all.

Neil slipped out onto the porch where he knew the blond would be, appraising his silhouette on the steps, the glow of a cigarette lighting only half of his face. Neil sat next to him and the truths they had each earned stretched the space between.

Neil had thought he would die as Nathaniel back in Baltimore, and even after death had been avoided, he thought he would be cast aside by the Foxes, that they’d be disgusted by the empty shell he was, the lie of Neil Josten—he’d be alone again. But they hadn’t left, _you are a Fox, you aren’t going anywhere_. Affection, sticky sweet, spread warmly through Neil as Andrew held out his cigarette for Neil to take.

It wasn’t over, life would go on and continue to be difficult, it would be a fight but Neil was ready for it, he had had enough of running. Smoke, grey and reminiscent of waves and fog, curled around his fingers and Neil smiled a smile all his own. His mother and father were buried with the rest of his past, Neil Josten sat on the porch and looked forward to his future.


	2. Press Preparation

The following Monday Wymack called the Foxes to the court. Someone had pushed the chairs and couches in the lounge around. Neil, Andrew and Kevin still sat on one couch and Dan, Matt and Renee on the other, but Nicky had his legs propped up on the arm of Allison’s chair, and Aaron was sitting closer to the upperclassman than to Andrew.

Matt, Dan, and Renee were talking to Allison about summer vacation plans as she filed her nails into sharp points, Nicky was making fun of Kevin for the neon green hand-strengthener he was using, and Aaron was texting Katelyn, his bored expression breaking every time his phone lit up. 

Neil was tired, slouched as close to Andrew as the other would allow. He’d woken obscenely early from a nightmare and hadn’t been able to get to sleep. The run and following shower helped, exhausting his body and calming his mind, but Andrew holding a cup of coffee out for him when he came out, sitting with him in the bean bag chairs, helped more.

Everything was relaxed until Wymack’s voice could be heard from inside his office, muffled angry words and the slam of a landline into the cradle silenced the assembled Foxes. They all straightened as he came out of his office, everyone but Andrew looking at him as he came to stand in front of the entertainment center. Coach regarded them for a moment before crossing his arms.

“Riko’s death is hitting the press at 3 o clock today.”

Kevin didn’t make a sound but his eyes blanked and his unoccupied hand clenched into a fist. Everyone knew what this would mean. The unrest between Edgar Allen and Palmetto was well known and well documented, and Ravens fans were enraged after the championship loss. Their reaction to Neil’s discrediting comments had been violent and unreasonable throughout the season. It had only been two days since the game but Andrew had already started receiving vicious hate mail for shattering Riko’s arm on live television. When the news broke how many fans would blame the Foxes for the death of their King? How many would go as far as to say it wasn’t a suicide? As Riko’s true killer was Ichirou Moriyama, there was no way anything about the truth would get out, but that wouldn’t stop the fans, and it wouldn’t protect the Foxes.

“We all know what Riko was,” Coach continued, “But I don’t want any of you speaking out about this at all.” Coach looked each of them in the eyes as he spoke, tone firm. “If pushed by the press you are to offer your condolences, after this week is up and some of you leave for summer vacation I want you to lay low. Don't provoke any Ravens fans full of misplaced righteousness.”

Coach’s eyes landed on Kevin and stayed there, his expression tightening. “They want a private interview with you about Riko,” Kevin flinched at the name, Coach looked away from him, “And a press conference with the team about the Championships and our plans for next season.”

Neil studied Kevin as the Foxes protested, but Kevin hadd frozen since Coach started talking.

“Kevin and Neil shouldn’t have to answer questions about Riko after what he—” Dan was interrupted by Aaron.

“Neil isn’t going to be able to go on camera without talking shit.”

“Piss off Aaron!” That was Matt.

“We have to,” Neil spoke up, knowing Kevin wouldn’t, putting the attention on him so no one else would notice the way Kevin was shaking slightly. 

“Neil…” Nicky started but trailed off, biting his lip when Andrew shot him a look.

“It would reflect badly on the team if we had nothing to say after the win, and badly on Kevin if he didn’t comment on Riko’s death.” Andrew glanced at him with a raised eyebrow as if to sarcastically ask ‘ _when have you ever cared about repercussions?’_

Coach looked at Neil evenly before nodding and saying, “Because of what happened after the game we haven’t spoken publicly since taking the Championship title.” The Championship banquet had been canceled when Riko’s body was found. His death had been kept from the press as it was investigated by police, and the public thought the cancelation was because of the fight.

Coach informed them that Edgar Allen would make a statement to the press today, the Foxes would be interviewed on Wednesday, and the rescheduled banquet would take place on Friday at Palmetto.

Neil thought about the interview. It would be difficult to hold back his honest opinions if the press baited him, but he’d have his team to keep him in check—plus he’d been acting for most of his life, the roles of Alex, Stephan, Chris—and Neil until he’d become real.

Kevin had been lying about his relationship with Riko all his life, selling the ‘adopted brothers’ act and bearing the consequences of being treated like property by a sadistic, obsessive fool. 

But this was different, Kevin had just been starting to redefine himself apart from Riko, take himself back and find the confidence to strive towards being the best; Riko’s unexpected death could stall his progress considerably.

Neil wasn’t sure how he’d be affected going forward, or how the interview would go, but they would all support Kevin, and Kevin wouldn’t let his emotions stop him from handling this professionally, it was too important to his career—if nothing else.

The Foxes (minus Andrew and Kevin, until the latter worked up to speaking) talked strategy in the lounge, and Coach told them about the campus security detail that had been posted in preparation for backlash from Ravens fans. Abby came with bags of Chinese food for a late lunch, checking on Matt’s leg and Neil’s shoulder when everyone was done eating.

By four everyone was quiet but a little more relaxed, food eaten and tentative strategy for the next week in place, and Coach kicked them out.

Sick of talking about Ravens and Riko but still seeking comfort in each other, the Foxes all ended up in Matt and Aaron’s room. Nicky dragged in their bean bag chairs and Aaron and Kevin collected alcohol, some new movie was put on and everyone sat around the living room in lazy contentment.

“Ten dollars says the press straight up ask Andrew if he killed Riko,” Nicky joked when Kevin was out of the room.

“I’ll take that,” Matt responded with a grin, “No way they’d bring it up so soon.”

“How do you think the Ravens will end up?” Dan asked the room at large from where she sat on the couch, cushioned comfortably between Matt and Renee.

Renee, who was probably the most knowledgeable about the investigation into Edgar Allen’s conduct—as she had helped start it—answered in her mellow voice: “They’ll need a personable coach who can change the program, redirect questions about their practices, and get them good press.”

“Maybe they’ll stop turning out fucked up assholes,” Aaron said with obvious distaste, shooting a mild glare at Neil. Neil was pretty sure Aaron was talking about the Ravens and just couldn’t help being an asshole at the same time. He returned the look with an unimpressed one of his own.

“What does this mean for next season?” Nicky asked, looking down at his hand where Allison was painting his nails as she snapped at him to stay still.

Kevin chose that moment to come back into the room.

“The Trojans will be the team to beat, obviously, and there’s no way we can.” Neil rolled his eyes and the Foxes yelled at Kevin, Dan threw a crumpled-up paper towel at him.

“Keep your fan boy favoritism to yourself Kevin.” Nicky said, scrunching up his nose and sticking his tongue out at the striker.

“Just because you’re gay for Knox doesn’t mean we can’t beat USC.” Aaron fired off (because apparently winning the championship made everyone optimistic). 

Kevin defended the Trojans vehemently and the discussion continued from there. Neil was tired and could tell Andrew was getting restless at his side so he soon stood up and made to leave, Andrew right behind him.

“Get some Josten!” Nicky called, cheery with drink and the presence of the friends he’d so badly wanted, blowing on his jade green nails to dry them.

Aaron made a noise of disgust and Dan cheered, Neil rolled his eyes and waved them off as he stepped into the hall, waiting for Andrew before closing the door.  

Andrew was already heading to the roof and Neil was quick to follow. If the comments of their teammates bothered him at all, Andrew didn’t show it. The night was a little warm but there was enough of a breeze that it was bearable, Neil sat down next to Andrew with his feet hanging off the roof, fear mitigated by long exposure.

Andrew took a drag of his cigarette and wordlessly handed him the pack when Neil held his hand out. They sat in silence as the last streaks of pale color in the sky darkened, the campus dreamlike and still below them.

“What will you do for break?” Neil asked, careful to keep from sounding tentative. He hoped he knew the answer (hoped he was the answer), but didn’t want to assume. Andrew saw through him, flicking him a cool glance and not replying. 

Andrew was fundamentally different off his meds. Neil had wondered earlier on if the drugs induced apathy or only functioned to cover it up with mania, what he’d found when Andrew was clean was interesting. Andrew had worked very hard to build up a bone deep apathy toward everything around him. He actively stopped feeling so that he wouldn’t let anything in, a defense mechanism in constant use. Aaron was important to him, as was Nicky, these were truths. He felt nothing, and needed nothing, these were also truths. But the contexts of those truths were important, and Neil was learning to navigate their subtleties.

He took Andrew’s silence for the answer it was and contented himself with the warmth of the dying cigarette between his fingers and the reassuring presence of Andrew beside him.

After a while he could feel Andrew’s gaze on him, he stared stubbornly ahead and kept his face straight.

“Yes or no?” Andrew demanded, voice gruff—but his tug at the sleeve of Neil’s sweatshirt was oddly endearing, as was the way he seemed annoyed by his own impatience.

Neil turned to face him fully, angling toward the smaller blond. The ends of both their cigarettes lay dying against the cold concrete.

“It’s always yes with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the foxes are tired  
> so am i   
> goodnight


End file.
